Blooming Panic; Discord Kitten Simulator 2k21
FULL spoiler warnings for the entire game ahead.
Blooming Panic is such a good dating sim that it almost makes me angry.
Developed by Robobarbie and released for Otome Jam 2021, Blooming Panic is a love story for the ages. Trying to find an escape from the humdrum of your depressing corporate job, you as the MC click a suspicious link that’s DEFINITELY totally not a Trojan virus, and find yourself in what is essentially a Discord server filled with a bunch of nerds who all share a love for the fictional web novel, Blooming Panic. From there, your choices will lock you into the route of one of our four lovely love interests. Quest, the gentle giant mod who definitely doesn’t know what a Discord kitten is, Nightowl, an absolute brat of a man with a degree in architecture and an inferiority complex, Xyx, my beloved little troll, and NakedToaster, unofficial salesperson for Final Fantasy XIV.
Blooming Panic builds its foundation on such a simple concept; you join a Discord server, you fall in love with the first person you talk to and within a week, you’re in a committed relationship with each other. Add a touch of A.I. existentialism and airhorns and you’ve got yourself a bona fide average Discord user experience. But Blooming Panic is just such a fun experience that’s so easy to come back to whenever you feel like it, with each route being an average of around 2 to 3 hours a pop. It’s so easy to simply kick back and relax while cruising through the days until you accidentally click the option that makes your fictional boyfriend get reasonably upset with you.
I didn’t know how to structure this review at first, mostly because I have such different opinions on each route and each character individually. So, seeing as how Blooming Panic’s characters are at the centre of the story, instead of talking about the game as a whole it would simply be easier on me to talk about each route individually, with some fun little thoughts and opinions about the game in general sprinkled throughout. Quest is up first for dissection, partly because he was the first route I got playing through the intro naturally, and partly because he’s just the easiest to talk about. Voiced by BardCommander, Quest is… just some guy. I mean this with all of the affection I can muster; he’s a guy I could see myself taking home to my parents and coming home to after a long day of work. He truly is the ultimate househusband. That being said, the guy is massive. One of his biceps is probably the size of my head. He’s the quintessential beginner’s route, being the most accessible and also the easiest route to get through without a walkthrough. He’s a simple man with simple needs, disregarding the whole… “convicted criminal” thing. He has the most unique backstory, that’s for sure. I can’t say that I was expecting it, and I also can’t say that I entirely love it, but I do love melodrama and by GOD did it scratch the itch for some high drama. It’s everything you would expect; simple, sweet, a touch of drama, and a whole lot of sentimental sappiness.
Nightowl is the bane of my existence. Truly, I have played his route so many times trying to make myself like him and his route, but I just… can’t. And I LOVE that. I absolutely love how insufferable I find him. Not every character in a dating sim has to be your type, and by god, Nightowl is my worst enemy. Voiced by Kija, Nightowl is a bratty college student studying architecture, and he’s made for those who like the cheeky, flirty, overly energetic type of guy. His whole deal is that he’s got more parental issues than you could shake a stick at. He’s the kind of guy who’s… weirdly possessive, almost to the point that it’s a little unnerving. But fortunately for him (and for my mental wellbeing), it’s possessive in a cute dating sim style kind of way; the kind of way where if any REAL person treated you that way it’d be a massive red flag, but because he’s not real, it’s… fine, I guess. While Nightowl isn’t my type, I can see his appeal. He’s a real puppy dog boyfriend, and I know for a fact that people go absolutely feral for him (I’m looking directly at you, Bloomic Fanserver). Personally, I see him as more of a younger-brother type; the kind of younger brother who’s absolutely insufferable but in a loveable kind of way. I love to hate him and hate to love him in the most affectionate way possible.
NakedToaster, my favourite sweaty nerd. Voiced by Charlatean, Toaster is a walking neon fashion disaster with pink hair and pronouns. Their favourite pastimes are FFXIV, inadvertently coding a destructive murder A.I., and being a secret angsty C.E.O. Toaster is the intended endgame route, and it’s easy to see why. It’s difficult to go into without spoiling his entire story completely, but if you’ve gotten this far, it’s safe to assume you don’t care about spoilers and you’re just here for pretty boys. Toast is a funny little guy with a funny little microphone they probably use to yell obscenities in MMOs. I like Toast quite a bit, for what it’s worth. They’re fun, chill, and totally NOT accidentally pissing off an A.I. of his own creation by snooping around in an unknown author’s embarrassing early drafts. His design is probably my favourite of all of the main love interests along with Xyx; he just feels a little more special and unique than the others. I made the mistake of playing his route right after Quest’s and I definitely see why it was highly suggested that you play his route after everyone else’s; Bloombot’s ominous looming is made even more unsettling after you play though Toast’s route. But, final thoughts; Bloombot route when?
Now, we’re in the final stretch. There’s a reason I left Xyx’s route till last. It’s because I have so much to say about him; I love a man with piercings and a cat, and by GOD does Xyx deliver (despite his… confusing accent. As an Australian born and raised, I can never tell whether he’s supposed to be British or Australian. But hey, either works I suppose). His route is one of the best that I’ve ever played in a dating sim, and that’s not an exaggeration in the slightest. Voiced by Mike Young, Xyx is the server troll who didn’t even have a route in version 1.0. The fact that he was so unattainable really added to his appeal, but what really sold it for me was his bad ending, which IS slightly weird, but let me elaborate.
As I stated in my Our Life: Beginnings and Always Review, I LOVE the chance to completely fuck up in a visual novel. The idea that I can, and probably will, mess up my entire relationship with this character is just good writing, and with Xyx, it’s such a big part of his appeal. If you try to force him to open up, he doesn’t like it and cuts you and the entire server off. That’s good writing, baby! Props to the writers of Xyx’s route, Robo, Destini, and Allie Vera, because Xyx’s route feels so natural, and speaking from experience, that shit is DIFFICULT. Paired with the absolutely brilliant voice acting from Mike Young, Xyx’s route has solidified its place in my heart as one of my favourite dating sim routes to go back and play multiple times. My only Blooming Panic flex is that I managed to get Xyx’s good ending on the first try without a walkthrough… the same can’t be said for SOME others (Nightowl, I’m looking at you).
The way that Blooming Panic uses its good and bad endings is honestly masterful. The subtle differences in each choice that could either lead to you falling in love or be the downfall of your relationship is amazing, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it, even the characters that I find absolutely insufferable. The game just wouldn’t be the same without Nightowl and OnionThief there annoying the shit out of me and making me want to throttle them at any moment.
It all comes down to the way that every single element works together to create a homogenous experience for the player. The music, the writing, the voice acting, the UI design, the art, everything. It all blends so well together and creates a unique and cohesive visual and sound experience. It’s not often that I get swept away by a good UI design (totally NOT because I’m super picky about my HUDs), but with Blooming Panic, it all just works so well and functions so smoothly.
Blooming Panic is a great game. But, if you’ve read this far, you already knew that. It’s the perfect thing to play when you’ve got some spare time on a Saturday night and you’re three solid glasses of wine into your lonely evening (or, at least, that's how I choose to enjoy it).
R.I.P. OnionThief route, while I didn’t want you in the first place, you would’ve been fun to bully.